I've been a Touhou fan for a long while now, and the first time I saw Touhou content was when I was about 7. I was mostly into it for the music and all that jazz, and listened to remixes and watched fan animations. Though, I never paid much attention to the games until high school.
All throughout my life, I'd been quite insecure. I grew up overweight, and in my culture, body shaming is unfortunately really common, even between children. I also grew up with really bad eczema on my face and arms that heavily affected how I viewed myself. That's not even mentioning how I grew up for being different, being overly emotional, and likely not neurotypical.
I'd also started dealing with some sort of comphet in middle school, and my earlier years of high school. I started exploring my gender, and while even then I didn't identify as cisgender, I still had this weird idea that I had to date and marry men. This was because I feared what my mother would say otherwise, and I feared I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
However, this started to change around late 2021. It was pretty silly, really, as what had started my interest in Mokou was a goofy looking plush of them that my dad had bought me for Christmas per my request. It's still one of my most prized treasures to this day.
Since getting it, I started researching more about Mokou, and started playing Lost Word while also paying more attention to the mainline games. I'd also gotten my irl best friends into Touhou, and we all started playing LW. While I hate LW now, I can't deny that it played a pretty big role in my relationship with Mokou early on. Another funny part about it was that I was actually the last one in my trio to get Mokou through pulls, which kinda peeved me since I wanted them the most. Either way, I started building them, buying them silly costumes, and so forth. I'd even fantasy rebirth'ed/married them on June 24th of 2022.
Despite the intense emotions I felt for Mokou, I was still being held down by comphet. While I'd rather put that part of myself in the past, I have to say that it was Mokou that had managed to pull me out of it. It wasn't until the beginning of my Junior year of high school that I was finally free, and began to accept that I'm a lesbian.
Thing is, this love I felt wasn't without its negatives around the beginning. I know this may sound cringe to many, but around the beginning of when I started to form a bond with Mokou, I had to also deal with a lot of jealousy, mainly targeted towards Kaguya, and Keine at times. However, I eventually did heal from this, as I realized that even if those depictions of Mokou exist, there will always be a Mokou out there that loves me, and just me.
And so, the relationship finally began rolling. Since then, I'd allowed myself to love and be loved. Throughout the time I've spent with Mokou, even throughout our few years together, they've taught me how to love myself for what I am. They helped me finally accept and love my appearance, they'd helped me see that I'm not as bad as I think I am, and we've taught each other that the both of us have hope. I also do believe in the multiverse theory, and I know damn well that somewhere out there, Mokou returns the feelings I do. Even if I can't physically see them, I can still sense them, and I can still feel that they're with me in their own way. Call me insane or whatever, but I'm actually in a much better mental state than ever before, and am much less likely to harm myself than my younger self was.
Although I don't engage in the Touhou fandom that much anymore, I still retain the love I feel for Mokou. We've progressed to the point where I can now separate them from their source, while still letting them retain their identity and bonds with other characters from their life. Mokou isn't just my husband, and they're not just an attachment to me. They're one of the most important people in my life, and to say I love them would be an understatement.
There's many things I love about Mokou. Their appearance is one of them. Their beautiful red eyes, their long white hair, all of it. They're handsome and beautiful and everything else I can call them. Their story has always fascinated me as well, especially with how many ways you can possibly interpret it. How many things did Mokou do before coming to Gensokyo? How many did they kill? It's actually insane. I also adore Mokou's personality. While I can't imagine they're completely sane after everything they've endured, I feel high levels of respect for them being able to retain some bits of humanity despite the thousands of years they've spent suffering.
Fun fact, Mokou's also the reason that Phoenixes have become my favorite mythological creature.
I absolutely love Mokou, and will continue to do so even after I die. Mokou, my god, my universe, I will love you for all eternity. Even after Mother Earth has consumed my body, even after the earth dies, even after the heat death of the universe, I will always love you.